First, definitely not my last.

I have had the opportunity to share my story on platforms such as news channels, newspapers and a fundraising event. My story helped a homeless shelter raise money for children and their mothers.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOvootDhiHg  this was the speech I gave. This was the shelter who gave me back my life when I was on the verge of losing it all. Each time I shared my story I was told continually that wont be the last time. That hit home. You mean to tell me that my story touched people?! I thought my story ended with the diagnosis of complex PTSD. Nope, I am going to share and reach out in hopes of helping others to know they aren’t alone!!! If you are still reading I’m sure you’re wondering what story can I be talking about. Well it all started when I was just a child. I lost my father to suicide. While just a baby, my mother got with the person known as my step father. For my family this person was no fatherly figure. Up to the age of 11 I endured things you would think only exist on episodes of criminal minds. Then at that age, my mother lost her battle with alcoholism. My life was at a breaking point. I lost my mother! She was a young 38. To see her hooked to the machines being the vice that kept her tied to this world. I will never forget that image. Most 11 year olds have nothing but boy fever and worrying about what to wear to school the next day. But here I was an orphan. I am now 27 and a single mother. To this day I suffer from the void of losing both parents. At the age of 18 I had my first mental episode. I was enlisted in the Navy. The day I was supposed to be shipped out, I lost my marbles so to say. All the stress of such a life changing event started the sleep deprivation that lead to the hallucinations. Along with my first flash backs from many years prior. When I first started to have the vivid nightmares while in the hospital doctors just pushed stronger meds to almost blank out every emotion. The mind is a very powerful thing. My brain has suppressed some of darkest things I had endured. Almost felt impossible to be a true memory. I couldn’t allow myself to believe that such horrific things happened to my mother, baby brother and I. But flashback after flashback it had to be real. Doctors said that my mental state of mind was very fragile allowing them to pour out like a faucet. Finding any tiny space to peak through. This along with what set in a depression like no other. Suicide seemed to be the only way to stop suffering from these tortuous memories. I coasted through my early twenties with no sense of any stability and constant homelessness. The family distanced themselves because I was in a never ending self-destructive cycle. I pushed them away because how could anyone love such a damaged person? The constant reminder of being told how worthless I was as a child played as a tape in my mind. Here I am in and out of the psych hospitals barely alive. Having attempting an overdose once. Only living because I realized what I had done and as I felt myself slipping I called 9-1-1. Many people say suicide is a selfish choice. I do agree with this. While I am in a recovery state of mind. Yet being in the actual thought of committing suicide, the brain is not thinking of the impact on others. Just that it would be the only way to finally end the misery. These thoughts take a very long time to cause a person to finally act on them. Suicide is a very scary thought. Saying this from experience, I reached out to family and at the time caseworkers saying I was suicidal. Family said it was all just for attention. That made my mind go into the depression even deeper. The worst thing that can be done is to ignore your loved ones cry for help. That simply justifies our thinking suicide would be the only resolution. In this blog I want to go deeper into my childhood and the cause of my PTSD. I want to be relatable and if anything help others reach out before it’s too late. After 5 years of constant suicidal ideations and hospital stays, I can say I am now 2years suicide thought free!!! If I can do it, so can you! Thank you for taking your time to read my first post!

9 thoughts on “First, definitely not my last.

  1. I am very proud of you amy . Im glad u get over with . And now look at u , you are standing up and living with lots love of good friends and family, plus u have ur beautiful adelline, thats loves u alot , u are a stronger women that i ever knew ur story inspires me a lot. Ur so blessed after all. Thank u for sharing your story .Live life to the fullest. Love u

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I’ve read stories that motivated me! So now that I’m strong enough in my own emotions I want to show others they aren’t alone. And to reach out before it’s too late!

      Like

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